July 8th

Sometimes I have what my best friend and I call a "blah" day. It's not good. It's not bad. Just BLAH. Nothing is really the matter but everything is the matter. I guess it boils down to attitude. Choosing to let negativity creep in. Sometimes I can even identify the problem (my attitude) but am still unable to shake it. This is the part where I just want to blame hormones. I really do believe they play a role but I don't want my hormones bossing me around because let's face it... last year I was pregnant for 9 months and the last 9 months I've been nursing and hopefully Hank won't be our only child. So, if I were to let my hormones rule, my husband may not make it through the next several years of growing and feeding babies. My blah day only lasted a day but the days are loonnng when you're a grouch or married to a grouch. Sorry baby and little baby.


Will helps out a lot but why is it never enough? I know many women who have husbands that literally never leave the recliner. The expectations I put on my husband (who is a new dad) are really unfair. I'm convinced that even if he woke up, made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, changed Hank, did the laundry, put Hank down for a nap, prepared lunch, cleaned the kitchen again, played with Hank, fed Hank, put him down for his afternoon nap, went to the grocery store, unloaded the car, put the groceries away, fed Hank, made dinner, cleaned the kitchen, bathed Hank, rocked him to sleep, and then woke up with him every hour because his teeth are irritating him that I WOULD STILL COMPLAIN. So gross. Why did he marry me?


I love motherhood so much but the work is never done.. and I only have ONE child. I don't get to leave my worries at the door and go play golf all evening. I haven't slept 8 hrs in over a year. If I don't do the laundry we'll be wearing dirty cloths. If I don't cook we'll be fat from eating Jack's and Li's Place every day. If I don't clean.. well, I'll have an OCD attack. Still I feel like I should be able to do it all and do it joyfully. I should be thankful that Will provides for us and not ask a single favor of him. It isn't as easy to "be about it" as it is to type it out. Stinking attitude. Thankfully my husband doesn't complain. Ever. He works, coaches, and still comes home and holds Hank for me so I can go pee ALONE. Thankfully marriage isn't a to-do list. It's more like "teamwork makes the dream work". Will doesn't tally up all he's done for us and clock out a 6:30pm. I don't clock out either but sometimes I have to let everyone hear a huff or puff. Really? I have to step it up. Will and Hank deserve better. Jesus gives me grace. Hallelujer and AMEN! Now, I will go visit Galatians and the fruits of the Spirit. I need more of all of them in my attitude, life, marriage, and motherhood.


The blah day is over but anxiety still lingers and is morphing into creative energy. Cheers to home improvement!