Today...

is the day.

So, my last few posts have been quite sad. Honest and sad. I feel like all I've been doing is complaining about how strange Californians are, how I want to go home, how I'm a mess, how I have no wise counsel in my life, how I have no encouragement and on and on and on. Those things are true but I think I've let all of these things become me. So embarrassing. It's funny because Bea had a friend from LA come down a few weeks ago and we had so much fun. He started asking me all kinds of questions to try and find out about me. (Which is the first time that has happened in a year. No one out here has shown the slightest bit of interest in really getting to know "the georgians".) I used to be able to nail all of those questions instantly but for the first time ever I was completely stumped. He was asking about my goals, my passions, my heart, what I want, what I long for and I couldn't think of any answers. I know that I used to really have a heart for high school girls, I know I love kids, I know I really desire to be a wife and mother, I love adventure but none of those things, desires, pursuits are present in my life. My mind started turning faster and faster. I couldn't keep up. I don't even know what I'm doing out here, I feel as if I have no purpose, I became so frightened when all I could think about myself was... apathy. I just don't care anymore. I mean really care. About anyone, or anything. That is completely unlike the Maggie that I know. So, the self examination began. Moving here has been tough and life is absolutely different but that is no excuse. I let all of these little situations turn me into an apathetic, disconnected girl that I am so ashamed to call Maggie. 

My friend Hannah has been having some "heart" trouble lately. I would talk to her and tell her that it's ok to be upset and that it will pass and she'll be better before she knows it. That is the most ridiculous thing that has ever come out of my mouth. Ok, well not the most but you get the point. I should have been there listening, pushing her forward, encouraging her and making her stronger. Instead I just let her feel like it was ok to mope. I did not realize how out of whack I was until I talked to her the other day and she told me that she has decided that she is gonna be better and not bitter. I was so encouraged by what she said. I saw the old me in her and I longed to have "me" back. Then it hit me..... you should have been the one to tell her that. I used to be like Hannah. Something would happen, I'd pout about it and then I'd move on to bigger and better things letting all things work for the good of Jesus inside of me. It was then that I realized that not only was I apathetic and pathetic but I am also so unmotivated. Unmotivated and aware of it. Still, with my awareness and all, I don't care to do anything about it. 

HOWEVER:

Today is a new day. I'm going to start small as my sister, Paige, told me to do so. I'm starting fresh. California needs the Maggie from Douglasville. The fiery girl with a huge heart. So far, I redid my budget. The amount of my pay check changed because of taxes so I reworked my budget and I'm ready to get my monies in order. My friend Marie also told me that I should force feed myself the Bible everyday so I'm gonna give that a shot for the millionth time. I know for a fact that that will help. It's probably not a bad idea to start exercising again as well and cooking dinner every night like I used to. On the real though, I really do have to start small. But it is extremely hard for me to believe that this is all God wanted me out here for. So, let the games begin. I kinda feel like that story about the gold and God is scraping all the impurities out of me and one day I'll be nice and shiny. 

Even if God never shows up in my life again.... (which is impossible)

I still have endless reasons why I can still raise my hands and praise him. 

He has been so good to me. There is never a time that I have nothing to thank him for or praise him for. 

Now here's my life, my offering. One day at a time.