24 going on 19.

 I have learned SO much over the last few years. California stretched me. I grew spiritually, relationally, and learned a lot about life.

So why is it that at 24 I can be very sure of WHO I am and confident in that and yet be extremely unsure of WHAT I want to do with my life?

At 24 I am still asking myself the same questions I asked when I was 18 years old. What a shame. I would not take back the route that got me to where I am now for anything in the world. However, I would pay big money for the answers I want now about my future.

Doors have always been opened for me whether I was looking for an open door or not. I'm hoping that this theme will continue to play out in my life.


I was talking with a friend of mine (actually two friends) about how one day I will be completely believing and trusting God. The next.... an anxious mess. I believe that my core knows that the Lord will provide and take care of me but it's "me, myself, and I" that I doubt. I doubt my ability to make the right decisions and choices. That I will mess up whatever God wants to do but in all reality He'd probably like for me to chill, trust Him, and make an educated decision (unless He clearly says otherwise).

I have always been sure of 2 things.
1. The longing inside of me to be a great wife.
2. The longing inside of me to have babies and raise them to be good citizens of America and more importantly warriors for Christ.

I guess I will just have to feel my way through the rest of it. Seek to honor Him in all that I do or pursue. I just read the verse today that says to work as for the Lord and not for men.

As much as I despise being 24 and clueless as far as careers go I realize that I need to focus on what I do know and trust that God isn't going to leave me along the way. He isn't done with me yet. He has done a great work in the years between 18 and 24 and He will continue to work in me. People change careers 4 and 5 times during their lives. Some don't figure it out until they're 30. I know what I want to do with my life (being a wife and mother while ministering to those around me) I just don't know where I want my paycheck to come from.

I've been begging Jesus to come to my front door and tell me what I should do with my life and the steps I should take to get there. As far as I know He hasn't showed up yet. Thankfully He does meet with me every day as I read His word. His steadfast and true word. I wonder if He ever looks at me, smiles, and says, "Will she ever get it?" It seems like I have to be told the same thing over and over again.

So unworthy but still He loves me.